tall poppies
... and other things I'm thinking about this week
Tall poppy syndrome is when a person stands out for being different and is therefore in danger of being cut down to size by others
There have been many occasions over the years in which I’ve experienced the fertile ground of difference cultivating a forest of divide between me and others: my standing tall in the world inadvertently attracting attention and followed by an ‘othering’, a who-does-she-think-she-is? response, separating me from a cohort and a longed for position at the heart of a group, the safety of understanding, to feel a belonging and security and a basic sense that “It’s ok to be me”.
The attention-grab of difference can have upsetting consequences:- the being mocked, disliked, belittled, disparaged or even despised. And for what reason? that our difference, our standing tall is unintentionally presenting a threat to the other person. So it totally makes sense that the tall poppies amongst us might self-protectively shrink back and make ourselves inoffensively small. The peace kept! Phew, danger averted. The short term relief of keeping our heads down and not being seen.
The two-stage process of being you and then adapting sufficiently to avoid negative attention requires effortful disingenuity combined with laborious second-guessing of what is required for longed for external acceptability. What do I need to do to be OK in this situation? The tall poppy who shrinks or contorts to avoid notice is not living to their truths, fulfilling their potential, flourishing or adding good to the world. They are likely to feel stressed and unhappy as they are living incongruently, divorced from who they truly are. Poppies with their heads down are not only doing a disservice to themselves but also to their wider context in general as they live out a diminished version of themselves.
Reasons to stand tall
Having the courage to trust in yourself and how you want to be in the world, the confidence to think that you can ‘show up’ not as your most acceptable, but just you as you are, is no small ask. There is risk embedded in your standing tall - you will be noticed and judged but also there are so many precious advantages: learning who you can truly be yourself with?; realising the person you may become if you have the freedom to be your un-curated self?; what are the new opportunities that will result from being a 'taller’ person in the world; and how might the world around you benefit from this liberated authentic you?
Benefits of time passing
Recently I attended the 50th of a treasured friend. This woman whom I love spent many years contorting herself into a situation which she had out-grown. Eventually, one day she was able to begin the long and difficult process of extrication and along with it the insecurity of who will I be if I stand tall as myself rather than this diminished version which I have been for a very long time? And with this question she embarked on the intimidating process of letting go of the safety of her diminished self without any guarantee of what lay ahead.
Through the magic combination of passage of time and the experience we gain as we live our lives we can begin to notice what works and what doesn’t work for us in terms of how we show up in the world. We can learn to pay attention to circumstances which elicit a diminished version of ourselves. And eventually ask what do I need to change to be able to show up truly as myself?
The birthday girl gave a speech - confident, beautiful, funny, authentically showing up, standing tall - and in that moment she gifted us a snapshot of her own ‘becoming’.
Some questions to ask yourself
Can you think of circumstances where you have been a compromised version of yourself?
What could you do differently if a similar situation came up in the future?
Is there any situation in which you feel that you are not currently standing tall in resonance with your true self?
Ask yourself who is the person I would like to be in this situation?
Write 100 words on the person who would be standing tall in the situation you identified above?
Is there anything you could do to change how you ‘show up’ to be a taller version of yourself, more authentically aligned with the person you have just described?
Rationale: noticing when you do not stand tall gives you the opportunity of checking in with yourself about how you care compromising who you are and how you are showing up in the world. You can then make small changes towards standing taller and enjoy the benefits of your manifested authenticity.
We are all on our own pathways to becoming. Along the way there will be moments of standing tall and others of making ourselves small. Perhaps the best we can do is to aspire to standing tall and living our lives as the truest version of ourselves that we can manage at any given moment of any given day.
⭐️ Have a good week as a taller poppy appreciating the freedom this can gift you ⭐️
This week’s noticings and other ideas:
I have posted on graffiti before - I love it for its democratisation of art and its surprising presentation in our world appearing, as it does, uninvited but welcome, on a structure ‘near you’.
Banksy, Canonbury London, 2012
Midsummer’s day was on Saturday 21st June, what did you do with the longest day at the height of our Summer (at least here in the UK)?
This week I’ve been optimistically learning more about how to keep houseplants alive while you are away from home! Any tips welcome.
♥️ Work hard, live fully, love deeply ♥️
I've never heard of this tall poppy syndrome though immediately recognise it here through your words, Esther. I kind of think that whilst certain aspects of me became tall poppy, other parts went cowering, condemned to be shrinking violets in the shadows ... That'd be my work to do.